The language of hate

Babies are not born hating people.

Kids do not naturally discriminate

We teach them.

In some cases the teaching is obvious and overt

Let's face it no one is going to be surprised if this guys kid is a racist homophobic. Most of us however a bit more evolved than him and teach our children tolerance and acceptance.

Or do we?

Have you or people you invite into your home ever used the phrase "nigger rigged"? Described something stupid as being "gay" or "retarded"? Ever said someone "Gyped" you?

Chances are your kids have heard you, or someone you allow to be around them, use these phrases or others like them?

When I put out the call to find out what the worst thing people ever said within earshot of a child was 90% of the answers were sex based. A few were violence based and those were usually hyperbole of some sort.

So for example one guy confessed to saying as a teen ""I'd give five bucks to see the bitch die." when discussing a much hated teacher within earshot of kids.

and another confessed to saying he wanted to "high five buddy, in the face, with a bat"

The vast majority were sex related though. Being overheard talking about getting or giving oral sex, talking about who they want to have sex with, or how they like having sex.

I don't see this as a bad thing. Yeah it may be a little TMI for a 7 year old but at least they are sending the message that normal peoepl like sex.

The fact that this is what 90% of the surveyed  population had, for a go to answer, a discussion about a normal human activity. Isn't that something we want our kids to be comfortable discussing.

If THAT is the worst thing my kids ever heard adults around them say then it woudl be great but it is not.

I am lucky to raise kids in an age and area where they are not likely to hear anyone throwing around the words like nigger and spick in a department store. they will however  hear people refer to clothes as "gay" or "retarded". Every time they hear this they are being told that there is something wrong with being gay or handicap. Every time we use those words  we are telling everyone around us that those types of people are "less than"

Yeah sure that may not be what we mean but it is what we are saying. It is the message we are giving to the next generation.

I am also sick of hearing people refer to being "raped" in a video game or argument  Rape is not a synonym for loosing. Don't belittle a victims pain by comparing their trauma to getting shot in call of duty or loosing an internet argument. When we do this we are telling young girls that being raped is no big deal. Is that the message we want to send our daughters? or even worse do we want to minimalize the act of raping women for our sons?

Why are the majority of our swear words about sex or body parts. Why does saying fuck illicit a stronger reaction than belittling an entire cultural  group by saying someone Gyp'ed you?

We teach our kids to hate. We preach tolerance and speak hate. We live in a society where violence is glorified and sex is shamed.

Titanic is deemed inappropriate for kids because of the sex and nudity. Apparently the domestic violence and murder of the lower class is ok but heaven forbid a kid see a titty.

Prostitutes are villanized in our culture while drug dealers and thugs are glamorized. Somehow it is worse to sell sex than crack

We are teaching our children to hate. Never to do so overtly but to hate none the less. We are teaching them to view marginalized groups as slightly less than. Perhaps still deserving of equal rights but not as good as us none the less. Worse in many cases we are teaching them to hate themselves.

We are teaching them that being a "closet case" is a bad thing every time we use those words with disdain.

We are teaching them that to have sexual desires is to be bad every time we hastily change the channel at the sight of a nipple

We are teaching them that women are made to be victims every time we throw around words lightly that should be powerful

Hate is king and love is shameful

Holy crap, it really is over.

Galactus slept in his big boy bed for the first time last night. I just realized that by this time next week I could be returning the crib Dad made, for the last time.It is the same crib I used for my eldest  almost 10 years ago.

Galactus is also showing some interest in potty training. That means after this summer I will never have to change a diaper again unless I choose to care for a kid in diapers.

Never again will I be forced to go a year without sleep because I have a newborn who doesn't need sleep. Never again will I spend a fortune on diapers. Never again will I have to buy a carseat.

I had my tubes tied two years ago but it really hit me this morning I AM DONE!

I spent all my adult life pregnant, trying to avoid pregnancy, trying to get pregnant, or dealing with an infant.  In fact I would go so far as to say after  9 pregnancies, 3 boys, and loosing one son, pregnancy and infant care has pretty much defined my adult life.

Parenting still is and will continue to be a major aspect of who I am but so much of the labor intensive stuff is behind me.  In some ways it is more intimidating than striking out on my own for the first time was. At least then I had not getting pregnant to worry about :)

Galactus stikes again

I AM BABY GALACTUS DESTROYER OF ROOMS

I don't know why I even bother trying to clean. Other women can have a toddler and a clean house but I am apparently incapable. Whenever we go visit a friend of mine who has kids and a spotless house I always secretly suspect they drug them to get housework done.

See that picture. That happened while I was doing housework. I was hanging clothes on the back deck. I should have known better and tied Galactus to the dog run to keep him out of trouble while I did so but instead I left him unsupervised for 2 whole minutes. He emptied his diaper bag which I can deal with. He also got into my pantry and dumped 2 kilos of icing sugar on my floor.

Oh yeah never a dull moment. And then while I was st- st- st- st- stuttering like Porky Pig he decided he could make it all better

Um yeah ... grinding it into the floor while spreading it around isn't helping much. Maybe you could just run before I regain my senses and duct tape you to a chair for three mins peace

Forget the Klondike bar

What would I do for a Klondike bar? Well if I was really desperate I would WALK to the store. In an extreme circumstance I would do so AFTER borrowing money from my kid because I was broke and dying for a Klondike Bar.

More than likely though I would just grab a can of Coke and get over it. I mean really it is a KLONDIKE bar. You wanna hear some really extreme (honest) answers? ask a few mothers of  babies and toddlers what they would do for a nap and the guarantee of waking up to a clean house.

Would you 
* Eat your husbands cooking
* Let the crazy ladies from 'How Clean is your House' into you bathroom
*wrestle an alligator
*Yell "Guns kill people" at a NRA rally
*wear fur to a PETA meeting
*Wear underwear made of duct tape
*let your preschooler pick out clothes and do your makeup for a high school reunion


The answer is a resounding HELL YES! 

Whatever a supposedly sane person would do for a Klondike Bar I'll double it for a nap!, and triple it for a nap coupled with a clean house!

We don't even discuss what I would do for self washing laundry .....

You are why we don't own nice things!

Seriously there is no point in owning nice things if you have a toddler!

In fact there is no point in owning anything, they will ruin it.  We got a car last week. It isn't new but it is new to us. I have to get a key copied for it tomorrow ... if I find the original,

Of course it only came with one key, and of course my key peg had to fall off the wall and of course my toddler found the key .... and now I can't

I asked him where the key was. I bribed him, and eventually he went and got the keys. The plastic lightning McQueen keys.

I have spent most of my day cleaning. His room is SPOTLESS! I even checked inside his hand puppets.

I can't find them.

I dug through my trash. I have a kid in diapers. there was no key, there was a lot of diapers though and some oatmeal.

I have checked every nook and cranny I can find

I found my cordless phone we lost months ago .

I found some poker chips to hubbys set

I found my oldest child's favorite D20

I never found the keys

I found a cat turd

I lost my sanity

I hope the zombies come soon, preferably before my husband comes home and I have to explain how I lost his car keys. I still have MY van keys but not the keys to his car

Who do you think you're talking to anyways?

My toddler has discovered biting. It is his favorite response to my saying "no", "just a minute" or "hold on". Prior to this his method of attempting to establish dominance over me was to scream like a banshee and hope I would submit to his will. That plan didn't work so well either.

Screaming in your face, slapping, hair pulling, and biting are all  normal toddler reactions to being deprived of something they want. The fact that your toddler decided to bite you because you took his big brothers magnetix away from him does not make you a bad parent. Giving in because of it does.

There are many different ways to deal with tantrums. Some parents give a time out, others spank (which I don't get at all, as far as I can see that just teaches them to let people hit them or to only hit someone smaller than them), others still ignore the behavior in hopes that lack of attention will cause it to burn out. While other methods seem to work from what the parents tell me they seem to ignore what, to me, is a golden learning opportunity.

With both of my children, and all the others I have cared for over the years, I have learned that every indiscretion is a potential teaching moment.So the question becomes "what do I want my child to learn from this?". The obvious answer is "not to repeat the behavior". For myself I want to stop the behavior but I also what to teach them why it is wrong to behave that way while teaching them the proper way to be assertive and stand up for what they want.

When I tell my child no and it results in them trying to bully me I react the same way I want them to react to all the douchewads they will encounter tin life. I calmly (on the outside on the inside I am thinking about throttling them) disentangle myself from them, hold them at arms length, and tell them "I don't play with people who are mean to me, come see me when you are ready to be nice".

Many times over the years I have been told, "But that just lets them get away with it.". I guess it does to an extent but it also stops the behavior and puts the ownership for their actions back on them. They are now responsible to make amends. More importantly though I am modeling how to demand respect from others without being a bully yourself.

At the toddler stage nothing is worse than being estranged from Mom or Dad, as they age the concept still works even if it needs modification. When my nine year old is rude or disrespectful he gets sent to his room. He is told hat I deserve to be treated with respect and if he can't behave like a civilized human being I won't associate with him. He can come out whenever he can treat me decently.

Of course this only works if you also treat your kids with the respect you demand from them