The language of hate

Babies are not born hating people.

Kids do not naturally discriminate

We teach them.

In some cases the teaching is obvious and overt

Let's face it no one is going to be surprised if this guys kid is a racist homophobic. Most of us however a bit more evolved than him and teach our children tolerance and acceptance.

Or do we?

Have you or people you invite into your home ever used the phrase "nigger rigged"? Described something stupid as being "gay" or "retarded"? Ever said someone "Gyped" you?

Chances are your kids have heard you, or someone you allow to be around them, use these phrases or others like them?

When I put out the call to find out what the worst thing people ever said within earshot of a child was 90% of the answers were sex based. A few were violence based and those were usually hyperbole of some sort.

So for example one guy confessed to saying as a teen ""I'd give five bucks to see the bitch die." when discussing a much hated teacher within earshot of kids.

and another confessed to saying he wanted to "high five buddy, in the face, with a bat"

The vast majority were sex related though. Being overheard talking about getting or giving oral sex, talking about who they want to have sex with, or how they like having sex.

I don't see this as a bad thing. Yeah it may be a little TMI for a 7 year old but at least they are sending the message that normal peoepl like sex.

The fact that this is what 90% of the surveyed  population had, for a go to answer, a discussion about a normal human activity. Isn't that something we want our kids to be comfortable discussing.

If THAT is the worst thing my kids ever heard adults around them say then it woudl be great but it is not.

I am lucky to raise kids in an age and area where they are not likely to hear anyone throwing around the words like nigger and spick in a department store. they will however  hear people refer to clothes as "gay" or "retarded". Every time they hear this they are being told that there is something wrong with being gay or handicap. Every time we use those words  we are telling everyone around us that those types of people are "less than"

Yeah sure that may not be what we mean but it is what we are saying. It is the message we are giving to the next generation.

I am also sick of hearing people refer to being "raped" in a video game or argument  Rape is not a synonym for loosing. Don't belittle a victims pain by comparing their trauma to getting shot in call of duty or loosing an internet argument. When we do this we are telling young girls that being raped is no big deal. Is that the message we want to send our daughters? or even worse do we want to minimalize the act of raping women for our sons?

Why are the majority of our swear words about sex or body parts. Why does saying fuck illicit a stronger reaction than belittling an entire cultural  group by saying someone Gyp'ed you?

We teach our kids to hate. We preach tolerance and speak hate. We live in a society where violence is glorified and sex is shamed.

Titanic is deemed inappropriate for kids because of the sex and nudity. Apparently the domestic violence and murder of the lower class is ok but heaven forbid a kid see a titty.

Prostitutes are villanized in our culture while drug dealers and thugs are glamorized. Somehow it is worse to sell sex than crack

We are teaching our children to hate. Never to do so overtly but to hate none the less. We are teaching them to view marginalized groups as slightly less than. Perhaps still deserving of equal rights but not as good as us none the less. Worse in many cases we are teaching them to hate themselves.

We are teaching them that being a "closet case" is a bad thing every time we use those words with disdain.

We are teaching them that to have sexual desires is to be bad every time we hastily change the channel at the sight of a nipple

We are teaching them that women are made to be victims every time we throw around words lightly that should be powerful

Hate is king and love is shameful

Who do you think you're talking to anyways?

My toddler has discovered biting. It is his favorite response to my saying "no", "just a minute" or "hold on". Prior to this his method of attempting to establish dominance over me was to scream like a banshee and hope I would submit to his will. That plan didn't work so well either.

Screaming in your face, slapping, hair pulling, and biting are all  normal toddler reactions to being deprived of something they want. The fact that your toddler decided to bite you because you took his big brothers magnetix away from him does not make you a bad parent. Giving in because of it does.

There are many different ways to deal with tantrums. Some parents give a time out, others spank (which I don't get at all, as far as I can see that just teaches them to let people hit them or to only hit someone smaller than them), others still ignore the behavior in hopes that lack of attention will cause it to burn out. While other methods seem to work from what the parents tell me they seem to ignore what, to me, is a golden learning opportunity.

With both of my children, and all the others I have cared for over the years, I have learned that every indiscretion is a potential teaching moment.So the question becomes "what do I want my child to learn from this?". The obvious answer is "not to repeat the behavior". For myself I want to stop the behavior but I also what to teach them why it is wrong to behave that way while teaching them the proper way to be assertive and stand up for what they want.

When I tell my child no and it results in them trying to bully me I react the same way I want them to react to all the douchewads they will encounter tin life. I calmly (on the outside on the inside I am thinking about throttling them) disentangle myself from them, hold them at arms length, and tell them "I don't play with people who are mean to me, come see me when you are ready to be nice".

Many times over the years I have been told, "But that just lets them get away with it.". I guess it does to an extent but it also stops the behavior and puts the ownership for their actions back on them. They are now responsible to make amends. More importantly though I am modeling how to demand respect from others without being a bully yourself.

At the toddler stage nothing is worse than being estranged from Mom or Dad, as they age the concept still works even if it needs modification. When my nine year old is rude or disrespectful he gets sent to his room. He is told hat I deserve to be treated with respect and if he can't behave like a civilized human being I won't associate with him. He can come out whenever he can treat me decently.

Of course this only works if you also treat your kids with the respect you demand from them