Many parents from Steubenville should be ashamed of their offspring.

I have been following, with a broken heart, the trial coverage of the Steubenville rape case. I am shocked that these 2 young men are being portrayed as victims. They repeatedly raped and humiliated a young woman. laughed about it online and then the media cries foul when they become registered sex offenders.

WTF I don't think I even want to live in this world anymore.

 This article gives a good summary of what the boys did and the media reaction to their sentencing for anyone who is unfamiliar with the case. 

I would like to think  Steubenville is a cesspool of moral degradation but I have a strange feeling it is much like any other town. What these boys did is sick enough but the fact that their (and the victims) peers took pictures and encouraged this behavior is where my mind truly boggles. The fact that some of their parents are trying to save them nearly makes my brain explode.

I have 2 boys whom I love with all my heart. I am very anti corporal punishment. I think children deserve to be treated with respect.

But if I EVER  EVER  EVER!!!  found out they took pictures of something like this for any reason other than to text them immediately to a police officer you can bet your ass I would not be begging the courts to go easy on them. In fact if my kids had a lick of sense (which by this point they would have obviously proved they did not and that I was a horrid failure as a parent) they would be BEGGING the judge for the maximum sentence just so I could not get my hand on them.

We are responsible to teach our children right from wrong. We are responsible to teach them that the right thing and the easy thing are rarely the same. We have a responsibility to all of society not to unleash self absorbed, heartless, assholes on the Jane (and John) Doe's of this world. If despite our best efforts our kids turn out to be predators or soulless deviants we have a responsibility to hold them out and allow justice to be served. If you are not prepared to do so you should not have children.

 Having children is a huge responsibility. Not just in terms of having to care for them but because how you raise them will affect EVERY living being they come in contact with their entire lives

This shit is not ok

Today I saw a PSA about domestic violence. I didn't need it, I lived the reality as a child. I know the fear and helplessness that comes with it. That is something my kids will never experience. My boys are very unlikely to be the victims of domestic violence. But they need to know about it. They need to see. They need to understand. Because if they don't, and I turn them loose on the female population, I am part of the problem. 

 

Here is the video that sparked this post.  This is the reality that many women live with. I have watched women cover the busies and stop smiling so no one would see their broken teeth. Sometimes the men who did this to them come from violent homes. Others have mothers who would be shocked. 

As parents we want to assume the best of our kids. We want to believe there is no need to tell them not to do things that are obviously bad. after all we have taught them through example right? 

Many of us have. Many of us also skip past what could be a great learning experience and teaching moment. When our kids read or watch Twilight do we take the time to explain why Edwards behaviors should have sent up red flags for Bella.

When Chris Brown and Rhianna make headlines do we stop and use that opportunity to discuss with our daughters why they should NEVER accept being treated that way. To explain to our sons exactly what is wrong with Chris Brown and how she didn't deserve what happened.

The thing is everything around us is a teaching opportunity. Yeah Eminem sometimes talks about beating women like in the song Kim 

And yes it is wrong but I was actually GLAD peoepl were bitching about the song because it meant they were talking about abuse. Knowing teen sons listened to Eminem made many parents actually TALK about the contents of the song and share their feelings with their kids.

We need to talk to our sons and have ongoing conversations about abuse. It is too late when they are men.

The language of hate

Babies are not born hating people.

Kids do not naturally discriminate

We teach them.

In some cases the teaching is obvious and overt

Let's face it no one is going to be surprised if this guys kid is a racist homophobic. Most of us however a bit more evolved than him and teach our children tolerance and acceptance.

Or do we?

Have you or people you invite into your home ever used the phrase "nigger rigged"? Described something stupid as being "gay" or "retarded"? Ever said someone "Gyped" you?

Chances are your kids have heard you, or someone you allow to be around them, use these phrases or others like them?

When I put out the call to find out what the worst thing people ever said within earshot of a child was 90% of the answers were sex based. A few were violence based and those were usually hyperbole of some sort.

So for example one guy confessed to saying as a teen ""I'd give five bucks to see the bitch die." when discussing a much hated teacher within earshot of kids.

and another confessed to saying he wanted to "high five buddy, in the face, with a bat"

The vast majority were sex related though. Being overheard talking about getting or giving oral sex, talking about who they want to have sex with, or how they like having sex.

I don't see this as a bad thing. Yeah it may be a little TMI for a 7 year old but at least they are sending the message that normal peoepl like sex.

The fact that this is what 90% of the surveyed  population had, for a go to answer, a discussion about a normal human activity. Isn't that something we want our kids to be comfortable discussing.

If THAT is the worst thing my kids ever heard adults around them say then it woudl be great but it is not.

I am lucky to raise kids in an age and area where they are not likely to hear anyone throwing around the words like nigger and spick in a department store. they will however  hear people refer to clothes as "gay" or "retarded". Every time they hear this they are being told that there is something wrong with being gay or handicap. Every time we use those words  we are telling everyone around us that those types of people are "less than"

Yeah sure that may not be what we mean but it is what we are saying. It is the message we are giving to the next generation.

I am also sick of hearing people refer to being "raped" in a video game or argument  Rape is not a synonym for loosing. Don't belittle a victims pain by comparing their trauma to getting shot in call of duty or loosing an internet argument. When we do this we are telling young girls that being raped is no big deal. Is that the message we want to send our daughters? or even worse do we want to minimalize the act of raping women for our sons?

Why are the majority of our swear words about sex or body parts. Why does saying fuck illicit a stronger reaction than belittling an entire cultural  group by saying someone Gyp'ed you?

We teach our kids to hate. We preach tolerance and speak hate. We live in a society where violence is glorified and sex is shamed.

Titanic is deemed inappropriate for kids because of the sex and nudity. Apparently the domestic violence and murder of the lower class is ok but heaven forbid a kid see a titty.

Prostitutes are villanized in our culture while drug dealers and thugs are glamorized. Somehow it is worse to sell sex than crack

We are teaching our children to hate. Never to do so overtly but to hate none the less. We are teaching them to view marginalized groups as slightly less than. Perhaps still deserving of equal rights but not as good as us none the less. Worse in many cases we are teaching them to hate themselves.

We are teaching them that being a "closet case" is a bad thing every time we use those words with disdain.

We are teaching them that to have sexual desires is to be bad every time we hastily change the channel at the sight of a nipple

We are teaching them that women are made to be victims every time we throw around words lightly that should be powerful

Hate is king and love is shameful

Does your family have a zombie plan?

Talking zombies with your kids in important. Unfortunately in mass media there are rarely kids to drag behind you in a zombie apocalypse so many people don't think to have that talk.  However as your kids get older and spend more time away from you and you may not always know their exact location as "at the mall" is somewhat vague, it is important to have a plan.

Now I know what you are thinking "Hold up, I have real problems to discuss with my kids, sex, drugs, and drinking for example. Why should I waste my time on pretend ones?" and you would have an excellent point. However have you noticed how your teen or preteens eyes glaze over when you talk to them about serious issues? Since zombies are pure foolishness it is easier to engage them.

So talk with your kids and make a zombie plan. What would you do if it happened and you were spread all over the place? If your route home was blocked off by packs of ravenous undead?

See while zombies will never happen we cant say the same about war, civil unrest, natural disasters, or other craziness. It is important your kids know how you will react, where they should meet you, in what situations they should stay put and wait for you. How to survive for a few days on their own if it happened while you were out of town shopping.

Do your kids know that the water in the back of the flush is clean and drinkable? Do they know to eat the perishables first and save the canned goods?

Zombies are fun to talk about precisely because it will never happen. Kids can make suggestions with no repercussions. Hopefully your kids will never have to actually fortify the house against a treat but it would still be good if they had some basic ideas for how to go about it. Knowing where to find supplies to board up windows and keep out zombies could be equally as useful in the event of a severe hurricane.

My family has a zombie survival plan, does yours?

Guns never solve parenting problems

So your daughter pissed you off and you want to teach her a lesson, good for you. You just taught her to shoot and that "might makes right"

How on earth did shooting a laptop and publicly humiliating her teach her that it is wrong to talk shit about you online? How does your behavior model what you want from her?

OK so lets for a moment ignore the fact that this dad is a self riotous idiot ( I will come back to him later) and focus on what the girl did. Her behavior was hurtful, it broke house rules, and it needs to be addressed.  Since she seems unable to keep her online conduct within the parameters her parents set taking away her laptop and thus limiting her online access is reasonable. And this is where Gun happy dad and I part ways.

The goal of parenting should always be to teach. In this case I would assume you want to teach them to be grateful for how good they actually have it and to be considerate of how their words and actions can hurt others.

 Talking to her about WHY what she did was hurtful is important. She is old enough that there is no reason not to put the onus for mending fences on her. If she is unable to see why what she did was wrong and think of a way to fix it then perhaps it is time to get rid of the computer all together. If it comes to that though

GUNS ARE STILL NOT THE ANSWER

In fact unless someone is about to kill you ar there is a deer in front of you that will feed your family for the winter guns are never the answer. Why not have some good come out of her punishment. Have her choose a kid that she knows will never be able to afford their own computer  and give it to them as they will appreciate it more. Or if you can't trust her not to mock that child at school for receiving her castoffs then donate it to an underfunded school.

Back to Dad. In this situation I blame the dad completely. It is unreasonable to assume a man so juvenile as to shoot an inanimate object that becomes the focus of his rage is also incapable of cleaning up after himself? He acts like an adolescent and can hardly be a role model for proper behavior. Heck if I lived with an asshole like that I would probably get pregnant in high school just to escape. I hope his daughter doesn't become a statistic and marry someone like him.