Give your kids a bullshit detector

I was watching the the Joe Rogan Experience and Neil DeGrasse Tyson was his guest. I will admit that I did not watch the entire thing but the little bit I did watch got me thinking.  They were discussing Conspiracy theories and how people tend to believe what others tell them. I see evidence of this in my own life. If you state a fact with complete and utter confidence people tend to believe you.

This is how I convinced my 19 year old brother that eating neon birthday candles would give him brightly colored poop, like an Easter egg.

The more we hear different voices saying the same thing the more likely we are to believe it. Take the whole moon landing conspiracy theory. It has been repeated so loudly for so long that to many it sounds like facts. When you ask people to explain why they think the way they do they just repeat the garbage others have filled their heads with.

So bringing this back to parenting, because this is a parenting blog, we do the same to our children. We tell them the way the world works. A millions whys follow and we try to answer them all. Usually arriving at the destined conclusion of :it just is"

Instead try asking them why, what they think. Sure they will probably be wrong a lot but that is ok. Let them be wrong and make mistakes. The important thing is teaching them to question and to use their own deductive reasoning.

Children are the masters at scientific method. For example they may think that feeding the dogs pop rocks would be funny. So they test their hypothesis by finding some pop rocks and the family pet. Or maybe they want to see how high they can make waves go by sliding back and forth in the bath tub. So they immediately start an experiment to find the answer. At this point mom or dad generally ruins the experiment by demanding they stop splashing and making a mess.

k- why
p - because you are getting my floor all wet
k - No I'm not
p -Yes you are. Just stop or you are getting out of the tub

Yeah we have had that exchange in my home and in most other homes that have small children. It is easy to demand our kids just shut up and listen for once in their lives. Just once believe what I tell you and trust me that I have a good reason for saying and doing what I do. Someday that will  happen, and that day is always sad. The day they start taking knowledge at face value is the day their curiosity starts to atrophy. It is the day the weakening of their bullshit detectors begins.

Take heart when you kids demand answers, and want to know why. When they test your answers against  the laws of physics. The goal of parenting is not well behaved children, it is self sufficient adults. I want my kids to question everything, even mom. After all I am still human and I do screw up

Be the person you want your kids to be

So gram has been here almost 2 weeks now.  My house is a write off, I hurt in places I didn't know I had muscles and I think I need a good stiff drink.

Don't get me wrong I am glad she is here and that I don't have to worry about the things I did before but I think the adjustment period will be longer than expected. I spend an hour a day helping her get to and from the bathroom. Getting her showered is almost another hour. That is not including the meal prep, cleaning, laundry, and general small needs.

Still in spite of the relentless charlie horse in me legs, the sore hands, and the bruises from catching her when she falls I am glad we decide to bring her here. It gives me peace of mind, it gives her time with family and it teaches my kids something about family and responsibility.

Sometimes it is necessary to institutionalize the elderly. Sometimes they need more than we can offer or need 24 hr a day medical care. I don't want to raise kids who view that as a first resort. I want my kids to value the elderly for what they contribute to our society.

The monster in in grade 5 this year and doing a term of french immersion. My grandmother is Acadian and french is her first language. She will be able to help him in ways I never could even though I am proficient in french.

Galactus is the most wild 2 year old I have ever met. He is learning that he HAS to tone it down and he can't be rough with her.

Someday I hope to be 78. If I still have my wits I would rather be with family than anywhere else. The best way to ensure that is to model that behavior for my kids and offer the same to gram.

9 times out of 10 kids become what they see rather than what we tell them to be. Make sure you are being the person you want your kids to be

It ian't easy being small

Kids have it made right? No work, minimal responsibility, lots of time to play with friends, and until the age of two they can watch tv and shit their pants without anyone judging. Kinda make you wonder why they complain so damn much?

It drives me nuts when my kids complain about how hard life is. I have yet to meet a parent who it doesn't drive crazy. However before you dismiss their concerns or belittle their problems by comparing them with your own grown up and therefor much more important problems, you should take a moment and look at it from their perspective.
 

Adults get to pick their own jobs.
 Kids are stuck in school 5 days a week because they are told to. If they don't like it they can't  look for a better school with more pay and more free play time. 

Adults eat what they choose to cook.
Kids get food plunked in front of them often with little or no input as to their preferences

Adults go to bed when they are tired
Kids go when we say so

Adults always pick out their own clothes
Kids do sometimes as long as we approve

Adults don't have people in their house they don't like
Children are stuck with your friends kids 

Adults expect to be listened to when they have a problem
Kids can't always articulate their problems even when they are not being trivialized

 This list could go on for a very long time but you get the idea.


 Being a kid looks like it is all fun and games from where we stand but do we like it when other people tell us how we have to live our lives?  Obviously we have to make decisions for our kids. That is what being a parent means but that does not mean we need to act like dictators. Empowering our kids doesn't take a lot of effort on our part and it makes it easier for them to handle things they really have no choice about (like going to school).

When you are making a grocery list have your kids go through the weekly fliers with you. Not only does this allow them to have some input into the menu it also teaches them how to watch sales, budget, make a meal plan, and gives you some quality time together.

Let them leave the house dressed in weather appropriate clashing colours and prints. Who is it going to hurt? There are obvious exceptions like weddings and funerals but day care or the corner store? What is the worst that will happen? someone will judge you for letting your kid be happy.

There are lots of small decisions that kids can make for themselves. If they have slight negative consequences all the better as you get a teaching moment as well.

They only get one childhood.

This shit is not ok

Today I saw a PSA about domestic violence. I didn't need it, I lived the reality as a child. I know the fear and helplessness that comes with it. That is something my kids will never experience. My boys are very unlikely to be the victims of domestic violence. But they need to know about it. They need to see. They need to understand. Because if they don't, and I turn them loose on the female population, I am part of the problem. 

 

Here is the video that sparked this post.  This is the reality that many women live with. I have watched women cover the busies and stop smiling so no one would see their broken teeth. Sometimes the men who did this to them come from violent homes. Others have mothers who would be shocked. 

As parents we want to assume the best of our kids. We want to believe there is no need to tell them not to do things that are obviously bad. after all we have taught them through example right? 

Many of us have. Many of us also skip past what could be a great learning experience and teaching moment. When our kids read or watch Twilight do we take the time to explain why Edwards behaviors should have sent up red flags for Bella.

When Chris Brown and Rhianna make headlines do we stop and use that opportunity to discuss with our daughters why they should NEVER accept being treated that way. To explain to our sons exactly what is wrong with Chris Brown and how she didn't deserve what happened.

The thing is everything around us is a teaching opportunity. Yeah Eminem sometimes talks about beating women like in the song Kim 

And yes it is wrong but I was actually GLAD peoepl were bitching about the song because it meant they were talking about abuse. Knowing teen sons listened to Eminem made many parents actually TALK about the contents of the song and share their feelings with their kids.

We need to talk to our sons and have ongoing conversations about abuse. It is too late when they are men.

The language of hate

Babies are not born hating people.

Kids do not naturally discriminate

We teach them.

In some cases the teaching is obvious and overt

Let's face it no one is going to be surprised if this guys kid is a racist homophobic. Most of us however a bit more evolved than him and teach our children tolerance and acceptance.

Or do we?

Have you or people you invite into your home ever used the phrase "nigger rigged"? Described something stupid as being "gay" or "retarded"? Ever said someone "Gyped" you?

Chances are your kids have heard you, or someone you allow to be around them, use these phrases or others like them?

When I put out the call to find out what the worst thing people ever said within earshot of a child was 90% of the answers were sex based. A few were violence based and those were usually hyperbole of some sort.

So for example one guy confessed to saying as a teen ""I'd give five bucks to see the bitch die." when discussing a much hated teacher within earshot of kids.

and another confessed to saying he wanted to "high five buddy, in the face, with a bat"

The vast majority were sex related though. Being overheard talking about getting or giving oral sex, talking about who they want to have sex with, or how they like having sex.

I don't see this as a bad thing. Yeah it may be a little TMI for a 7 year old but at least they are sending the message that normal peoepl like sex.

The fact that this is what 90% of the surveyed  population had, for a go to answer, a discussion about a normal human activity. Isn't that something we want our kids to be comfortable discussing.

If THAT is the worst thing my kids ever heard adults around them say then it woudl be great but it is not.

I am lucky to raise kids in an age and area where they are not likely to hear anyone throwing around the words like nigger and spick in a department store. they will however  hear people refer to clothes as "gay" or "retarded". Every time they hear this they are being told that there is something wrong with being gay or handicap. Every time we use those words  we are telling everyone around us that those types of people are "less than"

Yeah sure that may not be what we mean but it is what we are saying. It is the message we are giving to the next generation.

I am also sick of hearing people refer to being "raped" in a video game or argument  Rape is not a synonym for loosing. Don't belittle a victims pain by comparing their trauma to getting shot in call of duty or loosing an internet argument. When we do this we are telling young girls that being raped is no big deal. Is that the message we want to send our daughters? or even worse do we want to minimalize the act of raping women for our sons?

Why are the majority of our swear words about sex or body parts. Why does saying fuck illicit a stronger reaction than belittling an entire cultural  group by saying someone Gyp'ed you?

We teach our kids to hate. We preach tolerance and speak hate. We live in a society where violence is glorified and sex is shamed.

Titanic is deemed inappropriate for kids because of the sex and nudity. Apparently the domestic violence and murder of the lower class is ok but heaven forbid a kid see a titty.

Prostitutes are villanized in our culture while drug dealers and thugs are glamorized. Somehow it is worse to sell sex than crack

We are teaching our children to hate. Never to do so overtly but to hate none the less. We are teaching them to view marginalized groups as slightly less than. Perhaps still deserving of equal rights but not as good as us none the less. Worse in many cases we are teaching them to hate themselves.

We are teaching them that being a "closet case" is a bad thing every time we use those words with disdain.

We are teaching them that to have sexual desires is to be bad every time we hastily change the channel at the sight of a nipple

We are teaching them that women are made to be victims every time we throw around words lightly that should be powerful

Hate is king and love is shameful

Occupy Kids.

Some would say politics have no place on a parenting blog. To them I say "screw you it's my blog".

Politics play an important part in parenting. It is through our politics both passive and active that our kids learn their place in the world.

If you constantly complain about the state of your country but do nothing to change it you are teaching your children that they are powerless. If you go out and help campaign, protest, write angry blog post, or otherwise get involved you teach your kids that the voice of the individual matters.

When it comes right down to it kids are really our only hope. If we can ingrain social responsibility in them at a young age it will be habit by the time they are adults.

My eldest wanted an Ipod for his 10th Bday. We discussed the reasons why I am not comfortable giving Apple our money and while he still wants something to play fun apps on he is resigned to it not being an Ipod.

It is much easier to learn to recycle as a kid than to break the habit of chucking everything in the trash as an adult.

Politicians talk a lot of shit about children being our most precious resource then they cut funding to schools and early childhood programs.

Make time to empower your kids. To discuss politics with them, current events, social responsibility, and all those other adult subjects. You might even learn something.

When they come home from school outraged about global warming, famine in Africa, or Garbage in the ocean don't tell them not to worry. Ask them what they plan to do about it.

Apathy is what is killing our communities and our world. To be part of the solution we have to stop teaching the problem.

I see a lot of comments mocking the Occupy protesters and asking what they hope to accomplish. Maybe they won't accomplish anything but at least they have tried. They can look at their kids at the end of the day and say "we did what we could to give you a brighter future". I don't know if they will succeed in the end, if fairness and the American dream will be reestablished, but I do know they are teaching their kids, and an entire generation,  to try.

Stranger Danger ... are you kidding me?

Despite knowing better the image of a strange man offering our kids candy in an effort to lure them away is still the dominant image in our minds when we think of childhood abuse and abductions.

Lets be honest here, despite what the media wants us to think random abductions are really not worth spending a significant amount of time worrying about. Strangers are not people our children need to have an inherent fear of but friends waiting to happen.

Yes our children need to be taught how to interact safely with others but many parents, in attempting to do so, actually endanger their kids.

Never go in a car with a stranger. 

Seems like sound advice to me but what does a kid hear? When coach Bob asks them to go for a ride they run through their list of memorized rules and decide it is ok since he is not a stranger.

To me a more sensible rule is Never go anywhere with anyone unless you ask me first.

Never take candy from strangers. 

Yeah we force them to break this one all the time. Halloween, Christmas, the first time they meet great aunt Bessie

Don't talk to strangers 

wait a few hours and the same parent is demanding they say hello to a long lost friend or a co worker who is a stranger to the child.

This is part of the reason why stranger danger doesn't work. The other part is that it also enforces the mindset that the people we know are good people. Reality tells us that our kids are more likely to be harmed by someone they know.

Instead we need to teach our children that it is important never to go anywhere with anyone unless they have our permission.

To never let anyone cross their personal boundaries

And to run to a stranger for help if no one else is available. Odds are they are not a pedophile. In fact odds are most people we meet in life are not pedophiles. 

When my eldest went to Universal Studios he was instructed to look for a woman with kids and ask her for help should he get separated from his Gram. Statistically that is the safest person for them to turn to.

Media fear mongering has parents imagining a shadowy boogeyman in every corner but truth is MOST people don't want to hurt your kid

Instead of constantly telling our children what they need to fear and avoid we need to teach them how to be proactive

Does your family have a zombie plan?

Talking zombies with your kids in important. Unfortunately in mass media there are rarely kids to drag behind you in a zombie apocalypse so many people don't think to have that talk.  However as your kids get older and spend more time away from you and you may not always know their exact location as "at the mall" is somewhat vague, it is important to have a plan.

Now I know what you are thinking "Hold up, I have real problems to discuss with my kids, sex, drugs, and drinking for example. Why should I waste my time on pretend ones?" and you would have an excellent point. However have you noticed how your teen or preteens eyes glaze over when you talk to them about serious issues? Since zombies are pure foolishness it is easier to engage them.

So talk with your kids and make a zombie plan. What would you do if it happened and you were spread all over the place? If your route home was blocked off by packs of ravenous undead?

See while zombies will never happen we cant say the same about war, civil unrest, natural disasters, or other craziness. It is important your kids know how you will react, where they should meet you, in what situations they should stay put and wait for you. How to survive for a few days on their own if it happened while you were out of town shopping.

Do your kids know that the water in the back of the flush is clean and drinkable? Do they know to eat the perishables first and save the canned goods?

Zombies are fun to talk about precisely because it will never happen. Kids can make suggestions with no repercussions. Hopefully your kids will never have to actually fortify the house against a treat but it would still be good if they had some basic ideas for how to go about it. Knowing where to find supplies to board up windows and keep out zombies could be equally as useful in the event of a severe hurricane.

My family has a zombie survival plan, does yours?

Because I said so.

     Is there anything more annoying than hearing "WHY?" after you tell your child no? ... Well there is Richard Simmons but other than that I highly doubt it.

     Most of us remember conversations like this from our childhood.

Kid: Dad can I go to Sarah's for a sleepover?
Dad: no.
Kid: Why?
Dad: Because I said so!
 
     Had I known the phrase tyrannical fascist at 9 years old that probably would have been the next line in the script. I didn't though so this conversation, and all others like it, was followed by a pestering child and an increasingly angry parental figure.Usually culminating in my being sent to my room.

     Fast forward to my teen years and the same answer would send me into a rage. At least by this point I was able to articulate why it made me so angry. "why are you saying no? Surely you have a reason? should I assume it is just because you want me to be a social outcast"

     The thing was when my parents did tell me why they were saying no I usually took it better. Or tried to find a way around their objections. That was probably the most annoying part for them.

     Fast forward to the day when my own kids discovered the word why. Was there ever a word more irritating to parents? I was a young mother who still clearly remembered the 'because I said so's of my youth. It had been less than 5 years since I had come up against that brick wall of authority so I still had fresh bruises from beating my head against it.

   I decided that that answer wasn't good enough for my children. As I have said before everything is a teaching opportunity so I decided NO should be one as well. Now when my children ask why I always tell them.

My husband on the other hand I have caught in a lot of because I said so moments. Turns out when pressed though he always has a reason.

There is some great things about taking the minute to explain the why's to your children.

* If it is a safety reason they can understand what is dangerous about it and then apply what they have learned in situations where you are not available to guide them.

* If it is a convenice thing (I don't want to go get your friend) they learn to compromise. eg. Well what if his mom walks him up here?

* If it is a lazy thing such as you just don't want to go to the park they learn that the world doesn't revolve around them.

* If it is a money thing 'we don't have money for that truck' they learn savings and delayed gratification

* If it is an illness thing "I have a headache and can't go for a walk" it teaches patience and sympathy

* If it was just a knee jerk reaction and you have no real reason it teaches children how to admit an error with grace.

Now this doesn't mean I let my kids pester me for hours on end.

they make a request
I say no
They ask why
I explain
they come up with a counter solution
A) their idea works and they get what they want
B) their idea doesn't work, I tell them why and we move on with our day.

While I hate Because I said so I have no issue at all with I have already explained this to you a few times and now I need to move on with my day

So many parents seem to think changing your mind means they are not being strict. that is completely untrue. It is important to teach our children that everyone is wrong sometimes, how to politely question authority, and how to admit an error with grace. The big thing is to only change your mind when the child has a valid point that was made in a respectful manner.

If a child knows their voice will be heard they are more likely to listen to yours.

Who do you think you're talking to anyways?

My toddler has discovered biting. It is his favorite response to my saying "no", "just a minute" or "hold on". Prior to this his method of attempting to establish dominance over me was to scream like a banshee and hope I would submit to his will. That plan didn't work so well either.

Screaming in your face, slapping, hair pulling, and biting are all  normal toddler reactions to being deprived of something they want. The fact that your toddler decided to bite you because you took his big brothers magnetix away from him does not make you a bad parent. Giving in because of it does.

There are many different ways to deal with tantrums. Some parents give a time out, others spank (which I don't get at all, as far as I can see that just teaches them to let people hit them or to only hit someone smaller than them), others still ignore the behavior in hopes that lack of attention will cause it to burn out. While other methods seem to work from what the parents tell me they seem to ignore what, to me, is a golden learning opportunity.

With both of my children, and all the others I have cared for over the years, I have learned that every indiscretion is a potential teaching moment.So the question becomes "what do I want my child to learn from this?". The obvious answer is "not to repeat the behavior". For myself I want to stop the behavior but I also what to teach them why it is wrong to behave that way while teaching them the proper way to be assertive and stand up for what they want.

When I tell my child no and it results in them trying to bully me I react the same way I want them to react to all the douchewads they will encounter tin life. I calmly (on the outside on the inside I am thinking about throttling them) disentangle myself from them, hold them at arms length, and tell them "I don't play with people who are mean to me, come see me when you are ready to be nice".

Many times over the years I have been told, "But that just lets them get away with it.". I guess it does to an extent but it also stops the behavior and puts the ownership for their actions back on them. They are now responsible to make amends. More importantly though I am modeling how to demand respect from others without being a bully yourself.

At the toddler stage nothing is worse than being estranged from Mom or Dad, as they age the concept still works even if it needs modification. When my nine year old is rude or disrespectful he gets sent to his room. He is told hat I deserve to be treated with respect and if he can't behave like a civilized human being I won't associate with him. He can come out whenever he can treat me decently.

Of course this only works if you also treat your kids with the respect you demand from them