It ian't easy being small

Kids have it made right? No work, minimal responsibility, lots of time to play with friends, and until the age of two they can watch tv and shit their pants without anyone judging. Kinda make you wonder why they complain so damn much?

It drives me nuts when my kids complain about how hard life is. I have yet to meet a parent who it doesn't drive crazy. However before you dismiss their concerns or belittle their problems by comparing them with your own grown up and therefor much more important problems, you should take a moment and look at it from their perspective.
 

Adults get to pick their own jobs.
 Kids are stuck in school 5 days a week because they are told to. If they don't like it they can't  look for a better school with more pay and more free play time. 

Adults eat what they choose to cook.
Kids get food plunked in front of them often with little or no input as to their preferences

Adults go to bed when they are tired
Kids go when we say so

Adults always pick out their own clothes
Kids do sometimes as long as we approve

Adults don't have people in their house they don't like
Children are stuck with your friends kids 

Adults expect to be listened to when they have a problem
Kids can't always articulate their problems even when they are not being trivialized

 This list could go on for a very long time but you get the idea.


 Being a kid looks like it is all fun and games from where we stand but do we like it when other people tell us how we have to live our lives?  Obviously we have to make decisions for our kids. That is what being a parent means but that does not mean we need to act like dictators. Empowering our kids doesn't take a lot of effort on our part and it makes it easier for them to handle things they really have no choice about (like going to school).

When you are making a grocery list have your kids go through the weekly fliers with you. Not only does this allow them to have some input into the menu it also teaches them how to watch sales, budget, make a meal plan, and gives you some quality time together.

Let them leave the house dressed in weather appropriate clashing colours and prints. Who is it going to hurt? There are obvious exceptions like weddings and funerals but day care or the corner store? What is the worst that will happen? someone will judge you for letting your kid be happy.

There are lots of small decisions that kids can make for themselves. If they have slight negative consequences all the better as you get a teaching moment as well.

They only get one childhood.

This shit is not ok

Today I saw a PSA about domestic violence. I didn't need it, I lived the reality as a child. I know the fear and helplessness that comes with it. That is something my kids will never experience. My boys are very unlikely to be the victims of domestic violence. But they need to know about it. They need to see. They need to understand. Because if they don't, and I turn them loose on the female population, I am part of the problem. 

 

Here is the video that sparked this post.  This is the reality that many women live with. I have watched women cover the busies and stop smiling so no one would see their broken teeth. Sometimes the men who did this to them come from violent homes. Others have mothers who would be shocked. 

As parents we want to assume the best of our kids. We want to believe there is no need to tell them not to do things that are obviously bad. after all we have taught them through example right? 

Many of us have. Many of us also skip past what could be a great learning experience and teaching moment. When our kids read or watch Twilight do we take the time to explain why Edwards behaviors should have sent up red flags for Bella.

When Chris Brown and Rhianna make headlines do we stop and use that opportunity to discuss with our daughters why they should NEVER accept being treated that way. To explain to our sons exactly what is wrong with Chris Brown and how she didn't deserve what happened.

The thing is everything around us is a teaching opportunity. Yeah Eminem sometimes talks about beating women like in the song Kim 

And yes it is wrong but I was actually GLAD peoepl were bitching about the song because it meant they were talking about abuse. Knowing teen sons listened to Eminem made many parents actually TALK about the contents of the song and share their feelings with their kids.

We need to talk to our sons and have ongoing conversations about abuse. It is too late when they are men.

The language of hate

Babies are not born hating people.

Kids do not naturally discriminate

We teach them.

In some cases the teaching is obvious and overt

Let's face it no one is going to be surprised if this guys kid is a racist homophobic. Most of us however a bit more evolved than him and teach our children tolerance and acceptance.

Or do we?

Have you or people you invite into your home ever used the phrase "nigger rigged"? Described something stupid as being "gay" or "retarded"? Ever said someone "Gyped" you?

Chances are your kids have heard you, or someone you allow to be around them, use these phrases or others like them?

When I put out the call to find out what the worst thing people ever said within earshot of a child was 90% of the answers were sex based. A few were violence based and those were usually hyperbole of some sort.

So for example one guy confessed to saying as a teen ""I'd give five bucks to see the bitch die." when discussing a much hated teacher within earshot of kids.

and another confessed to saying he wanted to "high five buddy, in the face, with a bat"

The vast majority were sex related though. Being overheard talking about getting or giving oral sex, talking about who they want to have sex with, or how they like having sex.

I don't see this as a bad thing. Yeah it may be a little TMI for a 7 year old but at least they are sending the message that normal peoepl like sex.

The fact that this is what 90% of the surveyed  population had, for a go to answer, a discussion about a normal human activity. Isn't that something we want our kids to be comfortable discussing.

If THAT is the worst thing my kids ever heard adults around them say then it woudl be great but it is not.

I am lucky to raise kids in an age and area where they are not likely to hear anyone throwing around the words like nigger and spick in a department store. they will however  hear people refer to clothes as "gay" or "retarded". Every time they hear this they are being told that there is something wrong with being gay or handicap. Every time we use those words  we are telling everyone around us that those types of people are "less than"

Yeah sure that may not be what we mean but it is what we are saying. It is the message we are giving to the next generation.

I am also sick of hearing people refer to being "raped" in a video game or argument  Rape is not a synonym for loosing. Don't belittle a victims pain by comparing their trauma to getting shot in call of duty or loosing an internet argument. When we do this we are telling young girls that being raped is no big deal. Is that the message we want to send our daughters? or even worse do we want to minimalize the act of raping women for our sons?

Why are the majority of our swear words about sex or body parts. Why does saying fuck illicit a stronger reaction than belittling an entire cultural  group by saying someone Gyp'ed you?

We teach our kids to hate. We preach tolerance and speak hate. We live in a society where violence is glorified and sex is shamed.

Titanic is deemed inappropriate for kids because of the sex and nudity. Apparently the domestic violence and murder of the lower class is ok but heaven forbid a kid see a titty.

Prostitutes are villanized in our culture while drug dealers and thugs are glamorized. Somehow it is worse to sell sex than crack

We are teaching our children to hate. Never to do so overtly but to hate none the less. We are teaching them to view marginalized groups as slightly less than. Perhaps still deserving of equal rights but not as good as us none the less. Worse in many cases we are teaching them to hate themselves.

We are teaching them that being a "closet case" is a bad thing every time we use those words with disdain.

We are teaching them that to have sexual desires is to be bad every time we hastily change the channel at the sight of a nipple

We are teaching them that women are made to be victims every time we throw around words lightly that should be powerful

Hate is king and love is shameful

I turned out fine

Did you? Well good for you but I have slightly higher hopes for my kids than "not a deranged serial killer/rapist".

Fine is the minimum I want for my kids. OK is still having a pulse when they achieve adult hood. That is not my GOAL as a parent.

"I was spanked as a kid and I turned out fine" 

Well good for you. You know who else was spanked as a kid? Hitler.

Now I am not saying the spanking is what made him psychotic but it also isn't what make you "fine"

I mean lets stop and think about what spanking teaches a kid. It teaches them that people who are bigger than them are allowed to assault them (and by legal definitions it is assault). It teaches kids that people who have authority are allowed to touch your bum without permission. And it teaches them not to get caught being bad because if you get caught someone will hurt you.

"I was made to eat what my parents put in front of me and I turned out fine" 

Again so this is the reason you are "fine"?

What percentage of our population has food and weight issues? Just checking.

We use the "I turned out fine" to justify treating our kids as second class citizens. They are human beings as well. They have feelings that are just as valid as an adults. Would it be ok for your boss to hit you when you screw up because he already told you 5 times and if you keep doing it you may hurt yourself or break something or do you as a human being demand to be treated with a bit more respect than that?

Call me slacker mom

I have never claimed to be super mom. My kids don't eat an organic diet, they watch TV and play video games, they have dirty faces and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

It never occurred to me that I would be judged on my toddlers table manners. That having spaghetti in your eyebrows at two was socially unacceptable.

The mommy wars have went too far and they are sucking the fun out of childhood. Kids should be allowed to be loud and messy in appropriate places. A kid covered in dirt at a park is not a big deal. A kid squealing with happiness going down a water slide is perfectly acceptable.

I am tired of seeing mothers try and stop their kids from being kids because someone else may judge them.

Judge away I say. Let your inner asshattery show.

Tell me to my face I am a bad mother for having a mud covered toddler and dog, go on, I dare ya.

Being a kid is about pretending you are a dog without people judging you 

it is about eating cake like cookie monster and admitting forks are the enemy

It is about feeling the pumpkin guts squish between your fingers.

Why do you care if you got every last speck of dirt off their hand before running to the corner store? Before a wedding yes, before getting butter ... not so much. Why do you care if they make barking noises at pedestrians you pass. Sure it is inappropriate for a fancy restaurant but just out for a walk? What are you afraid of? That someone is going to give you a dirty look? silently judge you? Talk about you later?

Screw em. You only get one chance at a childhood, make sure it rocks for your kids. If something happened and you lost your kid tomorrow you wouldn't say things like
"I wish his face had been cleaner"
"I wish my dishes had always been done"
no it woudl be "I wish I played with them more" or "I wish I hadn't told them no quite so much"

I may loose the mommy wars and I am ok with that as long as I give my kids an awesome childhood. 

Holy crap, it really is over.

Galactus slept in his big boy bed for the first time last night. I just realized that by this time next week I could be returning the crib Dad made, for the last time.It is the same crib I used for my eldest  almost 10 years ago.

Galactus is also showing some interest in potty training. That means after this summer I will never have to change a diaper again unless I choose to care for a kid in diapers.

Never again will I be forced to go a year without sleep because I have a newborn who doesn't need sleep. Never again will I spend a fortune on diapers. Never again will I have to buy a carseat.

I had my tubes tied two years ago but it really hit me this morning I AM DONE!

I spent all my adult life pregnant, trying to avoid pregnancy, trying to get pregnant, or dealing with an infant.  In fact I would go so far as to say after  9 pregnancies, 3 boys, and loosing one son, pregnancy and infant care has pretty much defined my adult life.

Parenting still is and will continue to be a major aspect of who I am but so much of the labor intensive stuff is behind me.  In some ways it is more intimidating than striking out on my own for the first time was. At least then I had not getting pregnant to worry about :)

Occupy Kids.

Some would say politics have no place on a parenting blog. To them I say "screw you it's my blog".

Politics play an important part in parenting. It is through our politics both passive and active that our kids learn their place in the world.

If you constantly complain about the state of your country but do nothing to change it you are teaching your children that they are powerless. If you go out and help campaign, protest, write angry blog post, or otherwise get involved you teach your kids that the voice of the individual matters.

When it comes right down to it kids are really our only hope. If we can ingrain social responsibility in them at a young age it will be habit by the time they are adults.

My eldest wanted an Ipod for his 10th Bday. We discussed the reasons why I am not comfortable giving Apple our money and while he still wants something to play fun apps on he is resigned to it not being an Ipod.

It is much easier to learn to recycle as a kid than to break the habit of chucking everything in the trash as an adult.

Politicians talk a lot of shit about children being our most precious resource then they cut funding to schools and early childhood programs.

Make time to empower your kids. To discuss politics with them, current events, social responsibility, and all those other adult subjects. You might even learn something.

When they come home from school outraged about global warming, famine in Africa, or Garbage in the ocean don't tell them not to worry. Ask them what they plan to do about it.

Apathy is what is killing our communities and our world. To be part of the solution we have to stop teaching the problem.

I see a lot of comments mocking the Occupy protesters and asking what they hope to accomplish. Maybe they won't accomplish anything but at least they have tried. They can look at their kids at the end of the day and say "we did what we could to give you a brighter future". I don't know if they will succeed in the end, if fairness and the American dream will be reestablished, but I do know they are teaching their kids, and an entire generation,  to try.